Perfect
by lynn11
Summary: *Chapter 3* She's made up her mind!!How does she let down her groom-to-be? SD-6 is gone and Sydney gets her chance at a perfect life a year later!!!! Wedding bells?-Major Syd and Vaughn!! READ and REVIEW!!Thanks!!! and as always, ENJOY!!!!
1. An Unexpected Vistor

*This storyline came into my head and I had to write it!!! I will still be updating my other one and am working on the sequel to Solitary Confinement!!! Hope you enjoy this one, it isn't as dark!!!!!! :) Hopefully, you like it and as always review!!!!

Chapter 1- Perfect

Picking up my mother's old earrings that I used to play with as a child, I feel happy. So happy I could burst, so happy that I think that this smile will never fade away. After putting on one of the diamond surrounded pearl earrings, I noticed I was being watched. The earring fell from my grasp and bounced and clattered against the marble counter when I saw his reflection in the mirror, when I realized who he was.

 "What are you doing here?" I couldn't believe he would come and see me before the wedding let alone ever.

"I just had to see you that is all. I had to see you before you were taken." His eyes held such longing and gentleness to them, my knees began to buckle. His gaze fills me with such love even after all this time. I realize that my hand is firmly clutched on the counter, keeping me from flying into his arms. Standing there in his tuxedo and polished, even though he wears a suit everyday, he looks amazing. I want to run over to him and embrace him, taking in every heartbeat, every sigh, and every thought.

"I didn't know anyone was supposed to be back here." I can't believe myself, I am getting married and I'm flirting with him, still. He started to come closer, but then stopped after he noticed my knuckles turn white from clenching the stabling counter.

"Sydney, we have to talk. I know I don't have much time till someone comes and finds me here and takes me away." His face grimaces letting his worry lines show. "I'm just going to cut to the chase. So, please just answer me honestly. Do you love me?"

            What? I am getting married and he walks in here twenty minutes before the ceremony and asks me if I love him. My heart sinks to the floor, hanging on the end of my long train. My mouth hangs open, unable to speak. 

"I… I.. can't believe you are asking me this?" Bending down, barely because of the too-tight dress I'm squeezed into, to pick up the other earring to complete my perfect ensemble. My eyes begin to turn to ice, to prevent myself from getting hurt. I am going to get married today, no matter what Michael says or does. I mean I am just this close to having a normal, perfect life, with no more secrets and no more lies. I looked up and saw him, swaying form the pressure in his head, his eyes intently looking at me searching my façade for an answer before I speak again.

"Sydney, do you love me? I need to know or I don't know what I'll do." He is persistent and is getting louder. My eyes wander the room, afraid to meet his. I don't speak, I can't. I can't tell him the truth, because that would hurt me too much. And I can't tell him a lie, because that would hurt him too much. I keep my blindness stare on my train embellished with diamond-like stones shimmering into the sunlight from the window.

"Sydney, are you listening to me?" Yes, I hear every word you are saying. I want to scream at him, what I'm thinking; instead I reach over to the Victorian-styled chair and pick up my veil, perfect. I continue to ignore his pleas and look at anything except him.  

"Tell me that you love me or that you don't. Please just give me an answer. Please tell me and I will leave. Plain and simple as that." I stood frozen, my veil hanging stiffly in my hand, preparing to fall, even though I just picked it up with a firm grip. "Tell me!!" He was screaming. I slowly turned around in apparent distress, tears clinging on to my lashes, perfectly coated with mascara. I finally turned my gaze to his way. He stood there, helpless and lost like a child. I broke in and told him.

"I …. don't love you." I forced myself to say coolly and calmly. I fought the tears back that were pleading to break free trying to let him know the truth. My face as cold as I had convinced my heart to be, cold as ice. The veil began to slip out of my clammy hand but I caught it just in time and fastened onto it with fierceness. "I have never loved you and will never start to love you. So, I guess you should just quit your idealistic fantasies before they eat you alive." I spat out the words with pure venom. My eyes heartless and blank." Now, excuse me, but I have a wedding to prepare for. Mrs. Adams will show you the way out. Goodbye Michael. Hope life treats you well." In the pit of my heart, I wished life treated him poorly. Wished that he would never be happy. I stood there, waiting for him to say something or just to leave. Tears kept trying to break free; I wouldn't let them, no matter how much they hurt. Gazing into his eyes, a brilliant green that burned through my heart, I bit my lip, holding back the tears.

             "Goodbye, Sydney. Good luck on your wedding." His face distorted, his breaths deep and sharp, his eyes full of tears. I wanted to run after him as he turned and backed away out of the room and out of my life. I could taste blood inside my mouth, emitting from my sore lip, perfectly stained a brilliant deep maroon.  

            As he hurried his way down the winding stairs towards the oak doors, tears scratching away at his eyes, I stood alone in silence. My fingers rubbing alongside the brim of the smoothness of the ivory veil that contradicted with the roughness in my life. Over and over. "I love you; I have always and will always love you. Don't leave. Stay." I whispered the truth to nobody. I just had to hear the words out loud, so that twenty years from now, I can at least say I spoke them. I can at least say I tried to keep him from leaving, even though I hadn't. A piece of my hair fell from my so-called perfect hair-do. It wiped away some of the tears that had managed to break their way through by now. I guess I wasn't so strong after all; I had truly failed him now.

            Why didn't I say those words when he was here? My hand finally drops the elegant veil, I watch the beautiful ivory netting fall gracefully down in slow motion. Hitting the floor with a small thud, almost too small to hear, it balances on end, unsteady. Staring at the center, I watch it tumble and turn unsure of where it wants to land like a quarter spinning, I become cold and lost. Without another thought, I rush to the window, expecting to see him still there, hoping that there was still a chance for us. He was gone. Out of sight, gone. I latched my frail fingers onto the sides of the window, thinking that if I pushed hard enough he would magically appear before me. 

            By the time I had pushed as hard as I could, my hair was completely out and my make-up ruined, gently streaming down my face, staining it with sorrow. A cold breeze rattled the window, startling me, taking away the little breath I had remained to hold onto. I collapsed into the shaking window, feeling the coldness sweep over my flushed face. Staring at the place where his car was, where he was, and where he will never be again, my heart turned into the ice I had forced it to become. My heart crying out for him caused a pain that I have never known before. 

"Sydney?" Francie appeared in the doorway, stunned. I quickly turned my head around, frantically wiping away the tears and stained make-up. After realizing the state I am in, she took no time to inquire. "What happened? Are you okay?" 

"Oh, yes, I'm fine. Why would I be upset? I'm getting married today." Standing up and straightening out my custom made dress, I avoid eye contact with her, still trying to keep a steady flow of tears to stop.

"Sydney, are you sure? You know you don't have to be ashamed, everyone gets pre-wedding jitters. Come on we can fix that. Don't worry, I bet he will understand he's probably having the same cold feet you have." She took my arm and led me to the parlor down the hall to re-do everything that I had messed up, no, Vaughn had messed up. 

            I'm sure Matthew was having jitters, but not like these. I mean he doesn't love another woman. Calm down, Sydney. Vaughn doesn't love you and you don't love him, just breath. You love Matthew and that is all that matters today. Today will be perfect, the wedding I've always dreamed about. Walking down the hallway adorned with flowers and ribbons to the parlor, I realized that I had no choice but to marry Matthew that Vaughn was just a fantasy man that I made up in my mind, entirely. I could never love him, and will never love Michael Vaughn. He was just a silly office crush. Yes that was it, a crush. Still biting my lip, I felt more pain, not in my lip but in my heart. A gap I am sure I will never be able to fill.

"Sydney? This way." I had passed the parlor and had kept on when Francie had left me, I hadn't noticed. I looked around me and noticed I was at the top of the stairs, staring at the driveway, where had been. Just a stupid, mindless crush. Matthew. Matthew.

"Sorry, Francie, I'm just soo excited." I steered my numb body back to the parlor, all the while biting my lip.

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	2. Lost in Remembering

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Chapter 2-Lost in Remembering

            Walking back silently with my head down, ashamed of the tears that wouldn't stop, I forced myself to love Matthew. The man I have been dating for almost two years. He wasn't a murderer, wasn't a spy, and most importantly, didn't know the truth about me. He loved me, just as much as anyone can love another. The only problem I can find with Matthew is that I don't love him. I don't love him like I love someone else. Like I love Vaughn. 

This thought caused me to laugh, a bitter deep laugh. Francie stared at me, puzzled. After all, Vaughn didn't love me, if he did, he would have said so. He would have said so. He would have told me a year ago when SD-6 was taken down. He would have told me when I got engaged and he wouldn't have let me dismiss him like that, like a wounded bird.

 I can still remember that day where all the lies in my world had disappeared into the crisp air, nonexistent. I can recall all the feelings that had ran through my body numb from all the excitement. When I had arrived at CIA headquarters after the takedown, they had asked me to write statements for every mission, every horrible memory of SD-6, and any leads I had on other affiliates with SD-6.  Devlin had taken me through the offices and back to the conference room where I had begun this world of secrets, of darkness over three years ago. When I walked in the room, there was the same table with about five pens. 

"Would you like anything to drink? Anything?" I could already feel the misery and hurt oozing out of my fingertips, leaving me forever.

"No thanks, I'm fine." I smiled and nodded knowing that in a few hours that my hands will cramp up form the endless thoughts screaming out onto the paper.

As soon as I began to write, the words of hatred and anguish poured out onto the paper. The words appeared as fine as silk, but what the words wrote out was not as smooth as silk. Recalling every mission, every emotion, I sighed, knowing that it was all over. After hours of writing all of the information of torture and despair stored in my brain, a reel of film stashed away forever, the smooth ink had began to thin and disconnect from carrying the harsh cruelties spilling form it. I heard a knock on the door. My first thought was, I need a new pen. I had already gone through five. But as soon as my comforting silence was replaced with one accompanied with tension, the pen was erased from my mind.

"Come in." I muttered without taking my eyes and hands off the paper that was going to set me free. I heard the door open, with a slight creak, and heard someone come in, not saying a word just staring at me. Staring at my finger, that was answering his questions about the office room gossip. After moments of silence and wonderment, I finally turned around; I wanted to know who was checking in on my progress.

            Spinning my chair around, a smile spread across my face upon seeing him, knowing that I could walk out the door with him and not worry. "Hi." My heart fluttering, my eyes sparkling, forgetting about the sparkle on my hand, until I see why he was so silent.

"Hi," he managed to stumble out, strained in a gruff voice. "So it's true, you're getting married?"

"Oh, yes," the sparkle in my eyes vanishing, a hurt appearing instead, "he asked me Friday, before all the chaos." Avoiding his blurry eyes, I stared at my ring, my sight blurring as well; I didn't know what to say. He was the man I truly wanted to marry, but that would never be possible. He has Alice and I now have Matthew, except Alice didn't have a ring. I saw his fingers try and grasp onto the thick air of tension, nothing was caught in his weak hands. I could feel the hurt pouring out of his eyes as he studied my left ring finger. An unsettling silence had made its way, parting us.

"So, what are you going to do, I mean as in work, because obviously you can't be my handler anymore because I'm not going to stay as a double agent because there is no SD-6 and since I am quitting the whole government and espionage game and .." Shut up Sydney, you sound like Marshall rambling on. Closing my eyes, I can smell the stale ink drying, cracking.

A smile made its way on his expressionless face, calming me. "They haven't told me yet, but Devlin talked about a promotion of some sort. Maybe in Washington D.C." Washington D.C., my heart stopped. For a second, I couldn't breath, all the air in the room seemed to be sucked out form underneath us. My face drew in close, I can't let him see the pain. He didn't move, but stayed by the door, waiting for an opportunity to leave so I can't see the hurt that is etched onto his face.

"That's good, congratulations. Good luck." In my heart, I know I should mean that. But also, I wish he would just stay here. Even if I can't have him, then at least if he is here, near me, I can at least see him. I can feel a hole eating its way into my heart, killing me.

"Thanks you too." He said it with such torment and I could tell that he didn't mean it. Finally our eyes met, and I couldn't part them from his. Staring at the glassiness that trapped his feelings in, I was mesmerized. How could I not tell him? I sat there, with an empty pen that was forcing out all the bad memories and staring at him trying not to cry, not to give in, not to weak. He always thought I was strong, but I really wasn't. Realizing the pain that was flowing between us, I quickly took my gaze back to my paper then back to his eyes that were back to staring at the tiny ring that got in our way. 

Finding a voice in my muffled and confused throat, I broke up the thoughts that were swimming through our frantic minds. "Are you coming to the wedding?" Please don't come, please don't come. I was saying it over and over silently in my head. If he comes, I know I won't be able to go through with it.

"I don't think so, if I'm in D.C., I don't think I'll be able to get out here. I'm sorry, I'm sure it will be wonderful." His eyes darting around the room, his voice breaking up. My heart fell to the floor, even though he had said the words I was hoping he would, I wished he was going, so that I couldn't go through with it. I tried to speak, but I couldn't. My mouth just hung wide open, stuttering. If I speak, I'm afraid of what I might say, so I don't say anything.

 "Well, I better let you continue, so you can get out of here and out of this life sooner. Bye." He took one last longing look at me and all I wanted to do was to jump up and hug him. I wanted to erase that pain in his eyes that I know I created. But I didn't. I let him leave, let him walk out of my life. I let him take away all the happiness and light that had entered into my life when SD-6 was gone. After he slammed the door shut, a stark sound that echoes in my dreams still, I remembered I needed a new pen. A stream of tears began to mix with all the lies and horrible antics on the page that was revealing the truth.  

"Sydney? What do you think half-up with loose curls? I think I can manage that in ten minutes." Francie brought me back to reality, brought me back to a lie, once again. I looked in the mirror and saw the tears that had stained lines of anguish on my face. She had my tousled hair in one hand and the other balancing my veil over it in front of a mirror. I couldn't speak, my heart hollowing out from the terrible memory of another lie engraving itself in my mind.

"Sydney?" I snapped my heart back to what must be done.

"Oh yeah, tha … that's fine. Thank you." I shake my head and return my thoughts to my wedding. But I can't. All I can think about his him. His eyes that light up every time I see him. His smile that can always buckle my knees and the way when he gets worried or upset his forehead begins to crease. Suddenly, I realize what I really want. I can't live like this anymore.

"Francie, hold on. I have to go somewhere." I begin to stand, my head beginning to fill with clouds leading my unstable feet to where I must go, to confront what should have been dealt with a long time ago.

"What? What do you mean somewhere to go?" She held onto the veil, a tighter grip than I own right now. Her face in complete dismay.

"Um, I need to talk to Matthew." Walking out the door, light headed, she tried to figure out what was happening and what I was thinking.

"Sydney, isn't it bad luck if the groom sees the bride before the wedding. Sydney, you have to finish getting ready!! Sydney?" But I didn't hear her. I was already down the hall, stumbling on my thoughts racing around and around in my head. My mind was made up. I had to tell him who I am, what I have always been, and what I want more than anything in the world.

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	3. The Right Thing

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Chapter 3 –The Right Thing

Gripping onto the satin sides of my perfect wedding dress, I walk, faltering on the ivory heels, down the hallway to Matthew's room. What am I going to say to him? My mind becomes dizzy and clouded, I can't do this. I forget about Francie frantically yelling at me down the hall. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and see Vaughn's brilliant green eyes staring at me in my mind, pleading. I poise my hand at the door, ready to knock, ready to tell him the truth and leave and then it falls gracefully down to my side, swishing past the delicate fabric along with tears. My heart is tearing away at the tight seams. I can't do this to him, I can't. I take a gasp of air, but can't hold onto it, it slips through my hoarse throat leaving me breathless. 

No matter how much I want to, I can't. Coming back to my senses, I turn around; ready to walk back to what I am supposed to be doing, not what I want to. How can I be so incredibly foolish? Gilding my hand over the smooth finish of the oak banister, grasping back onto reality, I hear a faint sound, a door opening behind me. I turn my head, aware of the near sound crystal-clear in my ears.

"Sydney?" I heard his voice, clear and confused, and I could hear his soft steps approaching me.

"Yeah," I try to hide the tears and force of smile, not looking at his face. Before I know it, I feel his hands slightly touch my arms; I feel nothing and more tears of regret begin to fall.

"Syd, what's the matter are you okay?" He pulls me into his arms, rubbing my back tenderly, but I don't feel anything. Nothing. Pulling apart quickly, I rid my eyes of any sorrow and finally look up into his face.

            The first thing my misty eyes fall on are his eyes, blue faded, not a sparkling green. He is gorgeous, looking at me with such love and concern yet I feel nothing more for him except than a friend. My head spins and I feel faint, causing me to reach out my shaky hand for the sturdy banister once again. I'm torn in two. I'm torn between a lie that seems perfect and right and the truth that could hurt so many people, including me. I want to live a normal life free of spying and murder yet I am sick of all the twisted and tormented lies.

"Matthew, I I'm sorry, I really am, but I just can't I can't do this." I can't look at him afraid I'll see hurt which I created, I stare down to the first floor, surveying all the busy people working to make this wedding that will never happen beautiful. A woman is carrying my bouquet, full of dusty pink and white frosted roses, to the far room while a man is setting up a guest book atop a pedestal adorned with wreaths of greens and pastel flowers at the front door. Perfect. I wait for a response, nothing, just gurgled attempts at trying to make sense of my decision.

            I could hear his heart breaking and for a split second I wanted to pull him in my arms and tell him that I was making it up, a sick joke that he can make fun of me for. Picking at the fine wood, I debate in my head if I should tell him why. If I should tell him the truth about me and about Vaughn. Before I have the chance to make up my circling mind, he finally responds, broken and distant.

"Why?" Why, that is easy to answer, I love another man who doesn't love me that I met through the CIA while I was a double agent. I laugh another out of place laugh from my reeling thoughts tumbling inside my confused mind that gets a very puzzled look from the man I just hurt. I could feel his eyes burning a hole through my brain trying to pull it out of me before I spoke.

"Listen, you don't know me, you know me but you know a lie. You think that I have been a college student and a banker for the past couple of years. Yes I have been a college student, but I never was a banker." I look at him, his face distorted and confused trying to comprehend the truth behind all of the lies and secrets. He stood still and silent waiting to hear the rest.

"The bank where I worked was a front for an organization called SD-6, you heard about it on the news a year ago…" He jumped in on this, remembering what happened.

"Wait, you worked for SD-6, against the United States government?" He was bewildered and stunned; tears began to form at the corners of his blue eyes.

"No, no I did for seven years, before I knew the truth. When I had signed on with SD-6 they told me it was a black-ops division of the CIA. After my first fiancé was murdered by SD-6, I found out the truth. I went to the CIA and was a double agent for three years." I can't believe I just told him, that I told him that I was a lie to him; he stood there out of it staring off into nothing.

"You were engaged once before me?" I could see him trying to figure out the mystery behind my past, but I didn't see the worry lines of Vaughn and knew sooner or later he had to know about Vaughn. We were separated by a thick sheet of lies, quickly unraveling that only grew deeper.

"Yes, but I told him that I worked for the CIA and SD-6 had him killed, that is why I could never tell you."

"But didn't they go down a year ago, why didn't you tell me then?" He was dissecting this faster than I had hoped he would. 

"I I don't know," I began to cry again, I can't tell him about Vaughn but I have to, "because I wanted you to not be disappointed in me or mad at me … and there is more that I need to tell you." My vision dimmed by the amounting tears breaking free.

"There is more? Because honestly I don't care if you were a spy for seven years I will just be cautious when we get in a fight. Just as long as you were not a lie." His features in astonishment, afraid of what else I might reveal to him. His humor made it harder for me to tell him the real truth. I turned my head away from him once again and got up the nerve to tell him.

"No, I was always my self, just lying about my job. Thanks, but that is not all. While I was at the CIA, before I met you, my contact or handler, a person you go to to receive your counter missions, I .. he…" My mouth just hung open, I can't tell him. I try to move my mouth into words that make sense, but I can't even get out a sound. But I didn't have to; Matthew spoke instead, apparent hurt visible through his whispered words.

"I understand." Tears fighting their way through, scratching his throat.

"I'm sorry, I really am. I had forgotten about him, then he showed up here today and .. and I'm sorry.. and I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm sorry," I look into his severely hurt eyes and expect him to yell at me or say something, but he doesn't. He remains still. I can feel his anger brimming up through his tear-filled eyes; I turn silently around muttering I'm sorry.

            Walking down the decorated hall for a wedding that won't occur I hear him stagger back to his room. I hear him slam the door shut, causing me to stop in my tracks sobbing from the realization of the hurt I have caused him. Seconds later, I hear a huge thud coming from the room and can't believe what I have done. Regaining control of my legs, I walk back to my room to grab a pair of keys to go find the man I should be wearing this dress for. I fumble around the room, tripping on the long train that won't be heading down the aisle today.

            Wiping away the tears, I pick up my keys and cell phone, ready to tell him the truth. Even if he doesn't love me, he has to know. My heart is pounding from my intentions and the amounting questions ringing in my ears. But I can't turn down the biggest question that is being screamed at me, Am I doing the right thing?

*So? How'd you like it? Should I write more? Please REVIEW(I love them!)Thanks, and please check out my other fics!


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